I swore to myself that this year, I would not watch the Grammys. I've missed the last few years and I have to keep up this yearly ritual. There's gotta be something better on. Extreme Home Makeover - ugghhh. Pro Bowl - phbbbtttt. Okay, nothing good was on and I had to watch this pile of gobbly doo. Some highlights and lowlights...

Lady Gaga performed as a green martian in super platform heels, Elton John sang a duet with the Lady with grease on his face and blinged-out sunglasses, hands grotesquely erupting from duel pianos. I thought I was high - it's the only thing that explains this visual assault.
Singing good, however.

Beyonce did NOT break her ankle dancing in her stilettos and this time she didn't fall down any stairs. One day I'd like to walk on a stage like Beyonce did, flanked by the police in Seattle during the World trade Organization conference. Also, when she kneeled down in front of the people in the front row, did she flash them? I mean her dress was really short. And doing Alanis Morrisette’s You Oughta Know?? Ackkkk! I don't know. You can't do angry, bitter bitch like Alanis. These mash-ups need to stop. The Grammys don’t equal Glee. And good ol' Jigga Man, beaming proudly.

Why was JLo introducing Green Day and the Broadway gang for American Idiot? So random. Is it just me or does Green Day make you yawn too? I mean, I think Broadway would be better off doing a musical with music from Pennywise - I would so pay to see that.

I waited furiously for Chris Brown to storm the stage, pushing and beating on people, but it never happened.

Pink - you can sing, girl, nice bodysuit and Cirque du Soleil act, but I got totally dizzy watching you spin and when did you get dipped in water? Um, I felt a little dirty watching this. Were they trying to do a whole Jennifer Beales/Flashdance thing?

Grammy for best new artist goes to… wow. I didn't know most of the nominees. Oh jaysus - the fucking Zac Brown Band? What the hell? When did music you drink to get to be honored? If that's the case, I nominate House of Pain and Jump, ya hear?

I'm a be sick of the Black Eyed Peas. Where can I get a face mask, a la Hannibal Lecter, that will.i.am wore. Damn them, their music is contagious. A flash mob started dancing in our house.

Lady Antebellum - way to write a pleading, damn good song about drunken booty calls.

Taylor Swift and the Madam of Wiccan, Stevie Nicks. Taylor, you're sweet, but your voice was way off tonight. Can't ya hear yourself, girl? Maybe it's just me. I'm trying to audition for Simon Cowell's spot on American Idol.

Lionel Richie - all night long, baby.

All. Night. Long.

Michael Jackson's craptacular 3D tribute. If you didn't have 3D glasses, you were screwed. Fortunately, the kids had some 3D glasses that came with their Bob's Big Break in Monster 3D movie. Yeah, I had the hook-up while you sat pitifully on your sofa looking at a mish mosh of reds, blues and greens. Okay, really? The 3D thing wasn't that cool. Rihanna looked a little confused. By the way, Usher had 4D glasses on.

MJ’s kids accept the award for Lifetime Achievement. Isn’t that what they called it?

Who cares about Bon Jovi? Who the fuck cares?

Please, Dave Matthews, don't you dare dance again. Ever. You're worse than Elaine Benes.

There was a Les Paul tribute with Jeff Beck, but I missed it because I was brushing my teeth.

Oh! And there was this weird trend of men wearing Poindexter, thick-ass glasses: Simon Baker, Robert Downey, Jr., one of the Jonas Brothers. Is it right to call him a boy?

Quentin Tarantino was going for a hip-hop vibe and introduced Lil Wayne, Eminem and Drake. What up with that? And I thought Lil Wayne was in jail. What? That’s a valid question, people. Pull up your pants, Wayne. I don’t need to see your junk. Props to Drake and Eminem. Mad skills.

 And I will leave you with one last thought: I could become a very successful singer if I just had several back-up singers, some voice modulation, some booty shakin' dancers dancing behind me, Slash playing some Guns 'N Roses riff, T-Pain babbling in the background and Blaming It (On the Alcohol).

Three and a half hours - way too long for any show. It was like water torture.

I'm out.

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